this post has no title but it looks better with words up here

I really don't hate you, you know. Despite the venom I wrote back last fall, I bear you no ill will. It was just frustrating. Upsetting too, I guess. I believed in you. After all the doubting I did, thinking you weren't serious, that you were playing me, despite all the posts you made, the stories you created, and conversations we had, what you wrote about being so ill, about losing weight, about the toll walking away took on you... it was then I truly believed you. (Is that irony?) And not just that, I defended you. That for all the bravado, all the times you called yourself an asshole, I knew there was this beautiful, kind man who cared about others so deeply. One that I was proud to have known. I still do I guess. Not that I can claim to know you. I don't know about anything anymore. What I do know is that the man I believed in wouldn't have disparaged me. Hence the hurt feelings. I know at the time it wasn't premeditated or intentional---the whole "feelings thing"... so whatever, as we tend to say lately.

What I do hate is that you're on my mind and that I felt the need to come here and post it to get it out of me. But I can't beat myself up. Just like a diet, no need to bag the whole thing if you eat a cookie (like I did tonight!). Just pick up where you left off and keep going. I've lost three pounds you know. I need to get my bikini body back.

I read about the actor from the show that brought us together having a new series on TV about a man who constantly falls in love with unavailable/unattainable women. I literally did ROFLMAO. I wonder where he got that idea from. I wish him well. He's due a break. God knows he still looks good in briefs. *weg* The promo shots were hot! I doubt I'll watch though. I need that like I need a hole in my head.

God the angst in this blog is pathetic. It served its purpose though. What's the point of journaling if you don't look back on what you've written and grow from the experience? I definitely have more confidence lately. (Can you imagine? How can people stand me, you ask.) I got this amazing hair cut. I think Sampson was on to something. (though look at you! Would all your masculine vitality go out the window if you cut your hair? *snort*) It should be amazing, with the color it cost over $300. I got it by Pini on Newbury Street. I swear, if I knew how to do my hair like this when I was 15, I would have lived a totally different life. LOL

I still wish I had that man as my friend back. I think he would like me even better now that I'm not that spineless emotional wreck. I am almost the woman I aspire to be. I just have to be patient, and enjoy the now.

This morning at work, I bought a yogurt from the cafeteria. The cashier was this pretty young girl, of South American descent I think, and she smiled so brightly as she wished me good morning. "How are you today?" She asked. I was good, very good in fact, and I commented on her enthusiasm and attitude. She proceeded to thank me for my words. She thanked me! She went on to mention vaguely about people have their problems in life but they have to go on, and how she goes to church and it helps her. I agreed wholeheartedly, and reiterated that if you can put forward positive energy it benefits us all. We pass it on. Pay it forward. This girl thanked me for for acknowledging her genuine greeting. I am so glad I did. Only God knows what she is struggling with, and I hope she has peace.

Pay it forward honey. Don't deny people. Don't disparage them to others, even if you may not really mean it. Fingers crossed doesn't really count.