Blasphemy!

I went to confession tonight.
I’m serious.
I didn’t plan it. And it’s probably not what you might first think. I mean, with my infidelity and all.
I confessed I don’t get to mass and feel badly about it.
But what I felt was a worse sin
Was that I think poorly of myself sometimes. I don’t give myself respect.
That must offend God, if he created me in his image
And loves me and thinks I am special.
Maybe the irony of this is that if I went to church I’d feel better about myself, LOL.
This is why I journal, to have those kind of epiphanies.
They help you know. I wish I could physically write in a diary, but I don’t trust someone not to find it and read it. Which brings me to the point of this entry: my penance.
I didn’t get three Hail Marys.
No, Fr. Joe told me to do something nice for someone I don’t like
And not to expect recognition or thanks
Because I am doing it for God, and myself.
And I couldn’t help but think
Isn’t that the story of my marriage life?
I know, I’m awful.

A fellow blogger I once was friendly with is now divorced
And having hot sex
And got a book deal.
I feel so incredibly guilty not writing.
I had two people ask me about how my writing is going tonight.
Even my Dad over Easter.
I let Him down.
And I don’t mean Dad.
Or God
‘Cause you know the hubby was the Oedipal manifestation
….
Pregnant pause

Oh shit that’s another one of those ironic epiphanies.
Men just suck ass. I want to be a femi-nazi lesbian.
And knit socks and grow my own vegetables.

I’m proud of this.

Just a myth

Monogamy is a myth? These words were spoken (sic-written really) by a jaded but very adorable and lovable friend on Livejournal. N.B. the play on words applicable to my past dilemmas. BWAH! Myth believed in monogamy. In theory, I think. He also said he was a man-slut, so I might have to rethink that. My friend Alan says the best we can hope for is serial monogamy, which makes sense to me. That however leaves no room for marriage in the purest sense. Myth believed in monogamy as it pertained to trust and commitment. It was imperative I maintain my monogamy. He told me his wife failed in their pledge to be monogamous. She was sorry though, and they worked it out. I am glad for him. For her, really, if he could forgive her and regain that trust. Because despite remaining monogamous in body, I betrayed my pledge emotionally, and it was deemed an equal sin. I have yet to regain that trust. I don’t have intimacy. I have glimpses of it. It gives me hope.

Yet at the same time, I lack a certain amount of trust in him, because we’re due for the every three month freak-out-dredge-up-the-past-and-why-I-am-the-whore-of Babylon and not fit to be his wife or raise his kids… That’s the thing; I get hopeful, and think things might be getting better, then he takes all that is wrong out on me. And I shouldn’t. I spend so much time affirming how special I am, and worthy, to let him project his shit on me and make me feel inadequate and lowly.

You know what was very interesting? I did one of those memes via email, where you ask you friends to reply back to a bunch of questions that show how well they know you. Every one who responded said I was shy. Granted some said I was shy but have changed recently, or some said get a few drinks in me and I’m not… I never considered myself shy. Yet it does take me a while to make close friends so I guess I have that element. If I don’t know myself, how can I expect others to know me?

So what makes someone be unfaithful. The same adorable man from above told me if I wanted sex I should go find myself a boy-toy if I was unfulfilled sexually. Since I’m such a MILF and all. Just get one of those pay as you go cell phones, and don’t get caught. But it wasn’t just the sex. It wasn’t the sex at all. It was the love, respect, and intimacy that would lead to sex. Granted, there is the occasional meet hot guy in a bar and no one will know fantasy now and then, but it isn’t real. That could never be real. Heavy breathing over DSL is not real. I do believe though, that the emotional connection, the caring, love, and respect can transmit. Can that translate into intimacy? I guess it depends on your definition. To someone who has none, any connection will do. Is that why men cheat? Why anyone cheats? Are they looking for the type of sex their partner can’t or won’t give them, or are they looking for an emotional connection? I suppose no one size fits all. And what happens when you both need to take, and you find that you have the strength to give so of course you do.

I feel so empty. A good friend helped me to remember to look for hope in the small things. My Golden Retriever is small. My kids are small. I wish they could get all they wish for, so sometimes thinking of them doesn’t help. I need to go to bed. He pissed me off today. I can say that here, even though he is my husband, and I love him, and if I didn’t believe in marriage I wouldn’t.’t be here. His mother is sick. He is stressed. I am doing all I can. But it’s so hard. He micromanages me. I end up feeling I can’t do anything right, and want to tell him to fuck off. But I don’t. because it isn’t right. No matter what I do something with be wrong, and someone will be unhappy.

The kids have no school tomorrow and we get to sleep. I actually stayed up tonight on my own, so I feel this sense of empowerment, usually I go to bed with him, so he trusts me, and maybe we will have some kind of physical touching. I wish I knew what to do.