at a point that you could walk across with five steps down

It's funny. Not ha-ha funny,
but in that ironic/coincidence/bittersweetness sort of funny.
"I Want to Believe"
I remember when Sheila used to say that all the time.

I see him now, this man
He sits on a stage;
an awkward nervousness shows through the smile of public appearances.
And I remember conversations.
He used the back entrance because he hated "that shit."

In interviews he says "um" a lot
and I laugh.
For all the intelligence in that mind form a concise coherent thought!
But then in makes sense.
It's easier to form the words on paper.
To tell stories.
It's "convenient to have someone with his face read [your] words."
And there the mystique was broken.
This fictional iconic hero that spoke to my unhappy heart
was a real person.

big pause to appreciate the ginormous irony of that sentence.

At least I believed.
I wanted to believe.
I am ashamed to admit I probably still do believe, despite the illogic insanity behind such an opinion.

He used to whisper poetry to the women he bedded.
I know this because he told me.
Do italics count as whispers?
Or was duplicitysecrecy more like the parenthetical comments that weren't suppose to count?
He couldn't bed me.
Which when all is set and done is a good thing.
Because, you know, he'd "ruin my life."
It just got ruined for the next few years instead.
Kind of like getting away with manslaughter instead of murder one.
Ok, it not really like that but right at this moment it was an analogy that worked for me.

He loved my words.
Sometimes I still doubt the sincerity of that high praise. Given how he encouraged everyone to write.
And his penchant for flirting.
Not many words coming from my pen these days.
It would disappoint him.
Not that I should care.
Actually he probably doesn't care either.
I'm sure my taillights faded to black a while ago.

But, it's hard not to think of him, when pop culture resurrects an iconic hero.
Forty foot billboards in shades of gray
"I Want to Believe"
And I laugh through the twinge inside.
And of course I peeked.
Once a "ho", always a "ho".
I almost want to go.
I want my hero back to make me smile and forget life for an hour.
Even if he isn't real.
Even if sometimes, I want to believe he is.